Have you ever forgotten someone's name and try to play it off by saying something like, "Hey trouble!" or "Hey sexy!" ... Yea, grandma didn't appreciate either.

I remember a long time ago when I was little. It was far in the past, and I was a lot shorter than I am now.

So I keep finding weird bruises on my body. I think it might be my detergent.

Alternatively, I might just need to take off my clothes before putting them through the washer.

This is a confusing age we live in. Well, better go water the dog and walk the plant.

How did the preface ask out the introduction?

By not being too foreword

I'm starting to suspect that having a boat is more trouble than its worth. Not even ten minutes after I start the thing it stalls. And then, well, the owners show up, and it's just a huge mess.

Not looking forward to the summer solstice. I mean talk about a long day, am I right?

Waiter, I can't eat this. There's a fly in my soup. — I'm vegan, bro.

Have you ever been driving and felt like something was missing and then got pulled over for wandering aimlessly on the interstate?

I could tell a joke about standing behind someone for an hour just to get a Capri Sun. But I'm afraid it just be a bad punch line.

I've heard I got dropped on my head alot as a child, but I wouldn't remember now would I?

The essayist knew writing on the paper's edge was unorthodox but felt the risks were marginal.