I was talking over possible baby names with the Mrs. I suggested, "Samson." She hands down rejected it. "Why?" I asked. She fixed me with a look and, fuming, she said, "Why on earth would we name our child after our TV?!"

Grocery lists from the Mrs. are so confusing! "Red potatoes?" Like what? Seriously!? Just say apples! They're called apples!

If anyone wishes to feel young again, just sell your car, quit your job and move back in with your parents.

... suddenly, being older ain't so bad, now is it?

Walt Whitman once said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)" I quoted this as a response to a comment recently, and this user immediately blocked me.

... I think she thought I was calling her fat.

SAME OLD FOLKS: So what do you do for a living?

ME: I take complaints.

SAME OLD FOLKS: How do you like it?

ME: No complaints.

SAME OLD FOLKS: Uh, somehow, I seriously doubt that.

Have you ever been nailing something with a hammer and accidentally hit your finger? But begin to relax as soon as you realize it was actually someone else's?

So I think nightshift is really getting to me. I remember, a little while back, I swerved to miss an arrow that was coming my way. Turns out it was painted on the road.

iPads? Bah! Why in my day, the only things kids got to stare at for hours on end was called a corner.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Nice try dill-dummy, but you're payin' for your meal.

DUDE 1: Oh man, I can't believe I missed the first band.

DUDE 2: Well, the next one playing is 3 Doors Down and after that it's just Garbage.

DUDE 1: I don't need to know the where or the what all I want is the who!

DUDE 2: Oh, too bad my friend, they were on first

You'll never believe what just happened! I had some sandwiches delivered and, no joke, inside one was a human finger. Enraged, I immediately called back and shouted over the phone, "Hey! Where's the rest of my hand!"

Hear me out.

Salt kills weeds (and everything else forever).

Hear me out.

Salt lines keep out ghosts.

Hear me out.

Y'know those clingy weeds on the side of homes?

Hear me out!

Well, I got an idea on how to keep your home weed and ghost free at the same time.

Called a friend last week, told me about this new diet he's on. I ask him, "Is it any good?" And he says, "Absolutely, I can eat whatever I want." Then I reply, "Wow, how's it work." "Simple," says he, "I don't want." "Food?" I ask. He smiles, says "No, the diet."

Waiter, what happened to all the "fly-in-my-soup" jokes?

Cockroaches took over, but we didn't think you find those in your soup quite as funny.