Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

I know sir, really, we thought you'd come to expect it by now.

I know this girl who's Super HOT ... So should I wait for her fever to work itself down or call an ambulance?

Ever liked someone but was too scared to admit it? Yea, me too. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen threaten an ex with a carpenter's knife.

Ever slipped on a frozen pond or puddle and failed to find the humor in it? Well, don't worry too much, because I'm sure everyone watchin' did.

Someone told me I should give 'em the third degree. But I misunderstood then had to run and grab the fire-extinguisher.

I gotta give some credit for optimism, when trying to outrace the police, the dude on the evening news was a real "gas-tank-half-full" kind of guy

Chonky, n., of or relating to a state of chunkiness so vast wherein the letter "u" collapses in on itself coming together to form an "o."

If you have a problem with slamming doors just start sticking your fingers in them... For more great tips follow this page.

Can anyone tell me how to know if the time machine I bought off Craigslist is authentic?

Exercising is HARD. My arms are tired, my back aches, my legs are stiff and I want nothing better than to just lie down. And I can't even begin to imagine how I'll feel when I actually start

ME: I'm getting forgetful at my age.

MRS.: What's that supposed to mean? Like by the time you're 40 you'll be running around naked in the middle of the street?

ME: In my defense, I was planning to do that anyway.

BBQ just ain't the same unless it's swimmin' in lighter fluid. Mmmm, just like Uncle Earl use to make before the accident.

Just got back from the hospital, and may I say everything there was outstanding — especially the bill