If bottled water is "all natural" then where do the bottles grow?

If you finish your food before leaving the grocery store does that mean it's free?

If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed upside-down does that make it right?

Does anyone else feel that smoke alarms are overrated like seat belts, one-way signs and expiration dates?

Ever wake up in a dream and realize that reality is all just a bad nightmare?

I learned something today. If you ever sneeze into your pillow, you can just turn it over to the opposite side.

Is it in poor taste to play "The Final Countdown," by the band Europe, at a funeral?

Growing up in the 90s, my family was so broke the power company came and shut off our tap lights.

I think if we could just add "and check your phones" after the "stop" on stop signs, they'd be like 90% more effective.

Anyone who says soccer isn't a blood sport has, obviously, never been to a little league game.

Have you ever been so absent minded that you couldn't even remember what you were trying to forget?

It's not micromanaging, it's "workforce optimization." And you're not a wage slave, you're a "valued" employee

Sometimes the purpose of my jokes are self-defeating — just like decaffeinated soda.