I once knew a horse by the name of “No-Way Nelly.”

She was a real neigh-sayer.

What did the fax machine say to the stapler?

Well, nothing, obviously. You sure you’re feeling okay?

Life's about more than money—

There's also jet-skis.

THE MRS: What if our daughter grows up and only wants to get drunk and go out partying with her friends?!

ME: Come on, honey, now relax—

Who says our daughter has to have friends?

Waiter there's a fly in my soup.

Well given the expiration, I'll say that's at least a week's back rent.

Why was an orange brought on as an executive assistance?

Because its experience was so well rounded!

Why is the office like jail?

You can never find that file when you need it.

Man, this TV I got last week was a real steal.

Really? Where'd you get it?

My neighbor's garage.